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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Swamp Women (1956)

Hell o Prisoners

Time for Disc #2, Movie #2, "50 Horror Classics"



Woolner Brothers Pictures, Inc. 

Presents

Roger Corman's
Swamp Women 
(1956)

JUST BECAUSE ROGER CORMAN DIRECTED THIS, AND IT IS ONE OF 50 "HORROR CLASSICS", DOES NOT MEAN IT IS A HORROR FILM! IT'S NOT! SO, JUST LIKE I DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME WITH A WRITE-UP ON WILLIAM NIGH'S DOOMED TO DIE (1940), FEATURING BORIS KARLOFF, DUE TO IT'S NOT BEING A HORROR FILM, I WILL NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS ONE, AS IT IS NOT A HORROR FILM EITHER, BUT AN ADVENTURE/CRIME FILM, AND HAS NO BUSINESS BEING ON A FIVE-DISC SET ENTITLED, "50 HORROR CLASSICS". (Please excuse the run on sentence with triple negatives. I figured since it was not a double negative, and is chocked full of expletives, it would be alright.) 

SWAMP WOMEN RATES A BIG FAT ZERO FLAMES ON THE FLAME SCALE. SINCE THE FLAME SCALE IS RATING HORROR FILMS, NOT ADVENTURE/CRIME FILMS. BUT, HAD IT BEEN ON A FIVE-DISC SET ENTITLED "50 ADVENTURE/CRIME CLASSICS" I WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT AT LEAST 2 FLAMES, AS IT KIND OF GREW ON ME. 

THE SWAMP WOMEN WERE BAD ASS CHICKS. THE BEGINNING WAS HORRIBLY BORING, AND THE AUDIO WAS JUST BAD, AS WELL AS THE LIGHTING, BUT IT GOT BETTER AS TIME WENT ON. I FOUND THE GALS HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, A REAL SWELL LINE UP, HONESTLY, NOT TO MENTION, EASY ON THE EYES. THEY WORE REALLY CUTE 50'S HIGH WASTED SHORTS, SHIRTS THAT WERE CROPPED, TIED, OR TUCKED IN, AND THEIR BREASTS, NOT THAT I'M A BIG BREAST GAL (no pun intended, i'm flat as they come, sorry--tmi, and I probably just lost a few followers. oh well, sucks to be me), ACTUALLY, I'M STRAIGHT AS THEY COME, BUT THEIR BREASTS WERE PERFECT IN THEIR VASSERETTES. WE JUST DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT ANYMORE. AND, QUITE FRANKLY, VICTORIA, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ON THESE GALS! 

AND WHAT'S MORE! IF BEING AN ADVENTURE/CRIME MOVIE, INSTEAD OF A HORROR MOVIE, ISN'T HORRORBLE ENOUGH, THE MENU ON THE SCREEN DOESN'T EVEN READ "SWAMP WOMEN"; IT READS SWAMP WOMAN! WITH AN A! IT WAS THE SAME ON THE BACK OF THE CASE! SO THE WHOLE THING HAD ME QUESTIONING MY SANITY, AND WORSE THAN THAT, MY VISION! SOMETHING WITH, AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, I NEED NO HELP! 

AFTER THE INITIAL VIEWING (WELL, THE INITAL VIEWING WAS SOME TIME AGO, I MEAN THE VIEWING FOR MY WRITE-UP), I KEPT THINKING TO MYSELF, WHY THE HELL DID HE CALL IT SWAMP WOMAN? THERE WERE AT LEAST FOUR WOMEN? IF ANYTHING, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TITLED SWAMP WOMEN. PLUS I DON'T SEE ALL THAT GREAT, AND IT SEEMS TO GET WORSE ON A DAILY BASIS, SO THE TITLE LOOKED LIKE SWAMP WOMEN, BUT THE MENU AND THE CASE SAID SWAMP WOMAN, SO I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY EVER LOVING MIND...AGAIN!

Alas, I have to give it zero flames for reasons stated above. I mean you no disrespect, Mr. Corman. I'm an avid fan. I'm sure you see my dilemna here. The scariest part about this film is the opening credit image of the girl with her hands tied behind her back. So, Spit On Your Grave.

But as time is of the essence, I'm moving on to Disc #2, Movie #3 The World Gone Mad (1933). 

Until next time...Keep those fires stoked!
Eternally Yours
Warden Stokely

4 comments:

  1. Warden Stokley, jailhouse mistress in the blood-red eye of the Abyss, thanks for this reminder of what may well be Roger Corman’s most dreadful film. Hard to believe this dismal effort was from the same hand that gave us The Intruder and The Trip, but mighty oaks from little acorns grow as they say. Enjoyed the unexpected tangent concerning breast size and rest assured I remain a fully signed up follower, and look forward to the next Horror Classic outing. By the way, this film is on youtube for anyone who dares...

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    1. "Jailhouse Mistress in the blood-red eye of the Abyss" ? Ooohh! I like that Wes! That's seriously gotta be one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, and I'm gonna have to use it somewhere. I wish I could tell my mom, she'd be so proud! Than you follow it up by assuring me that you will "remain a fully signed up follower" even though I'm flat? Hahaha Can this night get any better? I think not! I can die a happy "Mistress". Do you really think it may be Corman's most dreadful? That whole Mardi Gras thing at the beginning was lame, and there really was some horrible acting, namely Susan Cummings as Marie who drowns before Mike Connors wrestles the crocodile. Poor Marie, she's forgotten in about five seconds. And of course, the lighting is so hokey, cause there are supposed to be night time scenes, but it's daytime! With sun and shadows! But.....I thought Carole Mathews did a pretty good job transforming from Police Woman to Swamp Woman, and I thought Marie Windsor was pretty good as the lead bad ass chick, Josie Nardo. But! No one, and I'm pretty sure I can say no one, without GPS, could've found the box of diamonds in the swamp the way the girls did. I mean, it'd been what two or three years, and they just pull their little boat up to the exact spot where the diamonds are hidden? And find it! That was just wrong! I'm hoping it's not his most dreadful, though, maybe just like you said, "may well be" which tells me there might be something worse..hhmmm. What could that be? I need to see and .

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  2. There's nothing better than pointy 1950s boobs. Everyone should have a pair. Yay, retro boobs!

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    1. Hi Brandon!
      Seriously! Where can I get some! They are awesome!

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